Ask the White Rabbit

December 2010

Dear White Rabbit,

Does couple therapy actually work, and if so, how? My ex-husband and I tried going to some sessions before our divorce, and we just ended up shouting at each other in front of the poor therapist! Now I am in a new relationship where there is a lot of jealousy. Who can help me and what will be different this time?

PS I like your website articles, they get me thinking.

Juliet + Romeo


January 2011

Dear White Rabbit,

February 2011

Dear White Rabbit,

My husband and I separated a few months ago leaving me with dozens of questions as to why it happened and what went wrong. We are on good terms so can talk about the split – but every time I ask him any direct questions as to what prompted him to act he says that he does not know. I am hugely frustrated by this. Do you know why I have such a thirst for answers and is my thirst healthy or just a going to lead me to more misery? (I think I know the answer to this one already but anyway…..)

Thirsty and Frustrated

March 2011

Dear White Rabbit,

I came across your ad on Gumtree and was wondering whether or not you can help me. I am a 39-year old lesbian and my problem is that I don’t know how to feel anything emotionally or physically in my relationship and in life generally.

April/May 2011

Dear White Rabbit 

Hi I saw your profile on and you sound quite different to other counsellors.

I have two questions really: the first is what is depression, in your view? I am a psychologist in private practice and I am on anti-depressants.

I would like to stop them – do you think you can help?

And secondly, why do people drop out of therapy, in your experience and opinion? Do you think therapy really works!?

Many thanks; I enjoy your website a lot, especially the Cookbook!


June/July 2011

The White Rabbit Says:

This month we have a spill-over from our last installment, when M asked – why do people drop out of therapy and does therapy really work?

Then we also have a new question from D who writes:

August/September 2011

Dear White Rabbit,

I have a really hard time with acceptance of my life situation and also acceptance of myself – yes, I am like a petulant child lying on the floor, kicking.  (Just writing this down has caused my throat to close up!).

Have you got any ideas on how I can “facilitate” the process of acceptance?



Oct/Nov 2011

addicted to e-mails

Dear White Rabbit

Hi, I know there are all these jokes about people being “addicted” to Facebook, Twitter etc and I don’t think that’s me, but I do notice that when I start opening my e-mails I get carried away and only “come back down to earth” some hours later, feeling exhausted and washed out. Often I don’t get to the creative work I want to do, which gives me real pleasure, because of this kind of thing. What do you think about the idea that I am addicted to suffering somehow?!

Thanks a lot,


Dec 2011/Jan 2012

Part Two: Addicted to Suffering

Dear Walt,

Part Two: On Suffering

I will be answering this part of your question by using analogy and metaphors. I will only briefly make mention of certain psychological constructs that other people have written whole books on, so as to make my reply as succinct as possible:

    Our suffering is linked to our experience of love
    We all need love
    If we don’t receive love we get damaged and can die
    Our sense of self is directly linked to our experience of being loved.

Feb/March 2012

More on Suffering

Dear Walt

Part Three: On Suffering

Last month I described how, from a psychological perspective, suffering is the tie that binds us from changing what we believe we are – a ‘survivor’ covered by a mask called the ‘false self’ to being who we really are – an integrated individual who has the ability to experience ‘authentic love’.