Random reflections by Carol

Step One: we admitted that we were powerless over others – that our lives had become unmanageable.

The What if’s… and if only’s
If only you would…
If only you would change.
If only you would try to see things from my point of view.
If only you would love me,
more, less, differently, candidly.
If only you could understand that the way you behave, things you say and do, they drive me crazy!
If only you would try harder.

If only I could try harder, be different, thinner,
sexier, cleverer, funnier, richer, shallower, less intense.
If only you loved me enough to change for me.
I wish I could be different.
That’s crazy!

Crazy you say, insane?
No, not me, not me
Step Two: came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Came to believe, is a journey in itself.

It does not prescribe the nature of the destination.
The walls of resistance and denial had to be dismantled block by block as my compulsive self reliance fought against the concept of a higher power.
I am after all, a super heroine – capable carol.

I am able to take care of myself,
I will be independent.
I will not be a burden.
I am not important enough to worry about.
Nobody really cares.
Faith.
Fear.
The opposite of fear, I am told, is faith.
Let go and let God.
Fake it till you make it.
Step Three: made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

God, who is God?
Why must I define this?
You are asking me to trust.
To have faith.
To believe that I will be looked after.
To let go…
To let go of control
To be,
Or not to be,
That is the ?

You are asking me to make a decision based on faith not fact,
based on belief, trust, acceptance.
You are asking me to accept and love myself.
To surrender to what I am as I was created.
You are asking me to love and nourish myself, my soul, my faith.
You are asking me to believe that I deserve more,
all that my higher power wants me to have.

You are asking me to admit that I
can no longer willfully run my life the way that I have been.
You are asking me to admit that there might be nothing wrong,
everything is exactly as it should be.
Including,
the lessons to be learned.

You are asking me to admit I am crazy and to surrender and love this crazy spirit,
As I restore my sanity and faith.

I BELIEVE AND ACCEPT, THERE IS MORE THAN JUST ME.

Dear Carol
Thank you so much for this truly inspirational interpretation of Steps 1, 2 &3 of the 12 Step Programme. I found this perspective very useful for my owning healing process and am hoping our readers will as well.

Best wishes
Miranda